Boundaries Aren’t Mean – ADHD Advocacy Files

 

Why Do We Feel Like Setting Boundaries Feels Mean Sometimes?

ADHD brains are often wired for rejection sensitivity and people pleasing. We spend a lot of our lives being told we are “too much” or “selfish” or “lazy” or “insert negative input here.”

We spend a lot of time trying to fit in, trying to make ourselves “normal”, and trying to make friends. So we are hardwired to want to say “yes” to our friends, loved ones, and co-workers. 

When you combine that with struggles with things like impulsivity and time blindness, boundaries can feel like an afterthought instead of a foundation.

Top all that off with masking, chronic guilt or perfectionism and suddenly saying “no” feels like breaking an unspoken rule you never agreed to.

 

Flipping The Script

Let’s try to flip that script.

Setting a boundary or saying no isn’t rejecting someone. Try thinking about it this way instead.

Setting a boundary is a gift that you give someone that you care about. If you didn’t care about that person, you could simply cut them out of your life.

It is your way of saying “I love you and I want to preserve our relationship and this is a boundary that will help us maintain our friendship, etc.”  You are protecting that relationship, whether its a friend, a co-worker, or a loved one.

Boundaries are clarity. It’s what let’s your kindness survive. Without boundaries generosity turns into resentment. 

That’s not compassion and kindness, it’s a recipe for emotional burnout.

 

Practical Tools And Tips

If you are a lifelong people pleaser changing the script and learning to set boundaries can take some time. It may even upset people who are used to taking advantage of your kindness. So here are just a few practical tools and tips that might make it just a little easier for you.  As always – take what works for you and leave the rest!

• Notice The Signs – Start noticing how your body feels – when someone asks you to help or do something, do you feel happy about it, or do you feel tense, dread or anxious?  Pay attention to the signs that indicate you might be nearing a needed boundary.
• Practice A Few Scripts – Pre-practice a few scripts. Try things like, “I can’t take that on today.” or “That doesn’t work for me right now.” or “I can’t give that the attention it deserves right now.” This develops muscle memory for when something does come up that you need to create a boundary for.
• Replace Apologies With Appreciation – Language matters. Try these tricks. Instead of apologizing, be grateful. Instead of saying, “I”m sorry I’m late” say “Thank you for your patience.” Or instead of “Sorry I can’t do that” try “I’m maxed out today, thanks for your understanding.”
• Use Time As A Boundary – Using time as a boundary often helps people on both sides.  It establishes a commitment. For example, “I can help for 45 minutes.” or “I can help on Friday afternoon.”
• Create A Pause – Make a practice of pausing before agreeing to do things. “Let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you this afternoon.” or “Before I agree, let me see what else I have going on today.” This gives your brain time to catch up and remind yourself that you have boundaries and that’s okay!

 

Boundaries aren’t about controlling others, or about being mean to them. 

They are about protecting your peace. And about protecting your relationshp.

When your nervous system and energy are already juggling ADHD life, clear boundaries are NOT optional – they are essential for self-preservation.

So next time doubt or guilt knocks on the door, remind yourself that you are not being mean. You are being honest and kind.

Need more help setting boundaries?

Book a free 20 minute call today and let’s chat!

 

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