The Calm-Down Menu
ADHD-Friendly Tools Kids Can Actually Use When Big Feelings Hit
If you have an ADHD child, you know that their feelings don’t always arrive…politely. I know that one of my kids occasionally seemed to have an actual demon inside them. Their feelings can show up loud and in their whole bodies. Telling them to “calm down” is about as effective as pouring gas on a fire.
They don’t want to feel out of control and it’s not that they won’t calm down – it’s that in that exact moment, their brain truly can’t. That logic part of the brain goes right offline and the nervous system takes over.
That’s the perfect time for the Calm-Down Menu. Instead of relying on words when kids can’t always access words, we can give them a simple visual menu with options they can pick from. Giving them back their autonomy – giving them some type of power back can reduce the struggle and helps you stay connected rather than a struggle or standoff.
BONUS? These tools can work for younger and older kids – because regulation isn’t about age, it’s about resetting our nervous system.
Why Calm-Down Menus?
A Calm-Down Menu isn’t a punishment, or a display of power. It’s not “go to your room until you are calm.” It’s a regulation support system. It works best if you model using the menu, and start by co-regulating with your child. It’s designed for how ADHD brains function.
Why Does It Work?
- Choice and Autonomy – kids with ADHD (adults too often) thrive when they feel in control, when they have their own autonomy. Having choices turns regulating into a choice and a collaboration.
- Visuals and Pre-Thought Out Options – having options visually available bypasses the freeze that can occur when big feelings hit. It’s immediate and accessible support at a time when our brains can feel fuzzy or frozen.
- Novelty – Having multiple options that are all acceptable options keeps it from being boring, and helps kids figure out what things work for them – and what things don’t!
Bottom line? The type of tool is at the very heart of ADHD parenting – connection, co-regulation, and collaboration – no yelling, no coercion, no shame.
Executive Functioning Challenges
Let’s chat about some options that you MIGHT want to include on the calm down menu. These are ideas that are realistic for kids with ADHD but does not mean that each one will work for every kid with ADHD.
- Movement Breaks
- Try things like jumping jacks, 2 minute dance parties, quick stretching routine, a short walk, or create a crazy family handshake.
- Breath Games
- Try box breathing, blowing bubbles, pretend to blow out birthday candles, or using a simple breathing app.
- Sensory Reset
- Try things like putting your hands in cool water, playing with putty or sand, change the lighting, chew ice cubes, maybe even change your clothes or take a shower.
- Music
- You can create a calm play list or two minute dance party list, you can sing or make up silly songs, you can simply change the music to something new.
These are just a few options, there are so many – what else can you and your child come up with?
Will Your Child Buy In To The Menu?
That’s one of the best parts of the calm-down menu if you do it correctly. Letting your child help design it is the number one best way to create some buy in from your child. They are far more likely to use it if they helped create it, and if they know it can be added to.
Keep it simple and visual. Depending on the age 6-12 things is plenty to avoid overwhelm. Keep it where it’s easy seen. For younger kids use pictures or icons.
Practice and Model – Practice using it when things are calm, and model using it for your child when you have a big feeling.
Remember – it’s not a consequence – and it needs to be done together at first to help your child learn how to regulate on their own. This isn’t about having your child “figure it out” – it’s about “Let’s figure this out together.”
Connection First
My philosophy about parenting kids with ADHD is all about the Three C’s: Connection, Co-Regulation, and Collaboration. They are in that order for a reason. Connection is always the most important thing (after safety). This is a perfect example of those three C’s.
Big feelings aren’t bad behavior – they are communication that isn’t regulated. Our ADHD children need support when their nervous system is overwhelmed. Try the calm-down menu to give them a sense of control and can help turn a meltdown into a connection-building moment. Want some help? Grab my FREE Guide for Calm Down Menu. Make one for yourself, and help your child(ren) create one too!
And remember — no one regulates perfectly, not even adults. Progress is progress, even if it’s messy.
Questions? Feel free to send me an email at Kat@AllBelong.com and let’s chat!
Don’t Delay Joy
Kat Sweeney, MCLC