Self-Advocacy in Relationships: Saying What You Need Without Blowing It Up

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Self-Advocacy in Relationships: Saying What You Need Without Blowing It Up

 

The Self Advocacy Files

Self-advocacy in your relationships can feel surprisingly difficult. Even if you are pretty good at self-advocacy in your general life, you might stumble when it comes to your loved one(s). 

That’s at least in part because saying it out loud can feel risky.

“Will I seem needy?” “Will I be too much?” “Is it going to turn into a whole thing?”

We might have a history of being the peace keeper, masking or minimizing discomfort, and staying quiet as long as we can.

Then suddenly instead of a quiet, intentional discussion – we might be snappy, impatient and argumentative.

Let’s chat about what self-advocacy can look like in relationshipw without turning it into a full blow explosion or meltdown.

 

 

 

Start Self-Advocacy Earlier 

Let’s be real – many of us wait until we are already overwhelmed before speaking up. ADHD Brains might not even realized they are doing it – it’s become instinctual. 

By the time we say something, or even notice it sometimes, we are already irritated, overwhelmed or exhausted. The big emotions make the conversation feel much bigger and scary than it likely needs to be.

Self-advocacy works best earlier in the process – before things are on fire. Here are a couple mini-scripts that might be helpful.

• I’m getting a little dysregulated right now, can we take a breath for a moment?”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed, can I have a moment to think?”
• “I’m struggling with this challenge, can we brainstorm solutions?”

These scripts are statements, requests…..not accusastions. They are information.

Information is often way easier for humans to hear than blame – real or perceived.

 

 

Talk About Your Experience, Not Your Loved Ones Intent

In stressful moments, it’s very easy for conversations to turn into statements like:

• “You always…..”
• “You never…..”
• “Why can’t you….”

But those types of statements almost always sound accusatory and puts the other person immediately into defense mode. Nothing gets resolved at that point.

Self-advoicacy usually lands better with people when we are speaking about our own experience instead.

For example, Instead of:

• “You never help out.” you might try, “I’m struggling to keep up with chores, can we brainstorm ideas?
• Instead of “You always interrupt me and it’s rude” try “I lose my train of thought when distracted, can you hold your thought until I finish mine?”
• Instead of “You are stressing me out or making me mad” try “I am feeling disregulated and overwhelmed, can we take a few minute break and then continue our discussion?”

The goal isn’t perfect wording – it’s just to shift blame to clarity.

 

 

Self-Advocate Specifically, Not Vaguely

Many of us know when something feels off in our relationships, but sometimes we aren’t sure what would actually make things better.

Self-advocacy often feels easier when we move from “something feels wrong” to “this specific thing would help or make things better.”

For example:

• “I struggle with shifting my brain when plans change last minute, could we try to give each other a little more notice whenever possible when plans are changing?”
• “I have challenges with my working memory . When I commit to do something, it would be helpful if you emailed me so it doesn’t escape my brain?”
• “If I seem distracted because I’m fiddling with a toy or my jewelry, it’s because I want to pay attention to what you are saying and fidgeting helps me stay engaged.”

None of these are “too much” or “too needy” or whatever your brain might try to tell you.

They are invitations to our loved ones to understand how our brains work.

And that type of relationship communication can strengthen your relationship!

 

Self-advocacy within your relationships isn’t about being confrontational, it’s about being honest.

It’s about letting your favorite people see the authentic version of you – and that includes your needs and the way your brain works.

Reminder: Healthy relationships aren’t built on guessing games. Where we have to figure out what’s wrong with our partners and loved ones.

Healthy relationships are built on communication, curiosity, and desire to understand each other.

Sometimes the most powerful shift is just saying something like, “hey, can I share what would be helpful for me right now?”

Reflection Question: Where in your relationships might your voice be a little quiter than it deserves to be?

Bonus Reflection Question: What tiny way can I invite my loved ones to understand me today?