The Invisible Work of Just Getting Through the Day

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The Invisible Work of Just Getting Through the Day

 

If you are like me there are some days (more than you’d like) that you get to the end of the day and wonder what the heck you actually did all day.

Did you accomplish anything at all?

The laundry pile is still staring at you. You’ve answer maybe three emails of the ninety seven in your inbox. And that thing that you were totally going to get done today? Ooops, that didn’ thappen either.

But you are exhausted.

And you are wondering with frustration why you are so tired when it looks like you didn’t really do all that much.

Here’s the thing though.

There is a ton of work involved in just getting through the day for ADHDers and AuDHDers.

And much of that work is completely invisible to others.

And sometimes even to ourselves.

 

 

The Invisible Mental Work

Let’s talk about making decisions for a moment.

This personally feels like my biggest struggle some days.

What should I eat? What should I wear? Which email needs answering first? What was I doing before I picked up my phone? Why did I pick up my phone in the first place?  Am I on schedule? What are we doing for dinner tonight?

And that is just the “little” decisions.

TBH – If I never had to decide what to eat again I’d be over the moon.

For many of us, decisions involve more than simply choosing between choices A and B.

We are usually sorting several possibilities, trying to predict outcomes, figuring out priorities, considering competing needs of competing people, and/or worrying about making the wrong choice.

Sometimes the decision itself takes more energy than whatever we eventually decide to do – if we don’t give up.

I can’t tell you how many times I get the idea to watch a movie, only to spend an hour or more going back and forth between streaming apps trying to make a decision on which movie to watch – only to be too frustrated to make a decision (or out of time!).

And then there’s mental effort involved in things that other people, especially neurotypical humans, consider simple. For example, getting ready to leave the house isn’t necessarily just putting on shoes and grabbing your keys.

It might involve remembering what you need, what you might need, figuring out how much time you have or when exactly to leave that won’t make you too late or too early.

It may involve figuring out exactly where you are going, where you are going to park when you get there, and how you can get out if you need to.

Just what we need, added anxiety.

What looks like one task from the outside can actually involve a whole collection of executive functioning demands.

The effort is real, even when the task “looks” small.

 

 

Trying To Be Who Everyone Expects You To Be

For many ADHD and AuDHD humans, especially those of us who spent years trying to fit into environments that just were not designed with our brains in mind, masking can become so automatic that we don’t even notice that we are doing it.

We are monitoring our expressions, how much or little we are talking, what kind of eye contact are we making.

We are trying to remember social rules, read the room, be careful of our reactions, and keep our attention where it should be.

Sometimes we are doing all of that while also managing sensory overload, or emotional overwhelm, or the effort it takes to stay engaged when our brains are just not interested.

And because we’ve gotten pretty good at making that all look effortless, people may have no idea how much energy it’s taking.

Sometimes we forget too.

We might get home from a work day, a casual get together with a friend, or an appointment we find ourselves completely drained.

And we often wonder why.

After all, other people manage to do all this right?

We weren’t doing anything particularly complicated right?

Except we really were.

We are doing all the invisible work of navigating a world that often expect us to think, act, function, and communicate in ways that don’t always come naturally to us.

That doesn’t mean every interaction we have is exhausting or that masking is always a conscious choide.

Sometimes it’s a way we’ve learned to protect ourselves, maintain relationships, stop being told we are too “something”, or navigate situations where being fully ourselves hasn’t always felt safe.

But – it does take energy – and that energy has to come from somewhere.

 

 

You Are Allowed To Count The Things Nobody Else Can See

One of the things I talk about with my coaching clients is the importance of recognizing what’s actually happening, rather than only looking at what we did and didn’t accomplish.

Because when we measure our days entirely by completed tasks, we miss an awful lot.

Maybe you didn’t finish the project, but you spent considerable energy trying to figure out where to start.

Maybe you didn’t get to cleaning the kitchen but you did manage to feed yourself, respond to important emails, and got through a challenging conversation.

Maybe you made it through a whole workday while managing sensory overload and trying to keep yourself emotionally regulated.

Maybe you spent the day making a thousand tiny decisions, each one requiring a little more effort than you really had available.

None of those things necessarily show up on a to-do list. But they still count.

And recognizing that effort isn’t about making excuses or pretending that the things we need to do don’t matter.

It’s about having a more accurate picture of what we’re asking of ourselves.

Because when we understand where our energy is going, we can start making different choices about how we use it.

Sometimes that means building skills or finding strategies that make certain tasks easier.

Sometimes that means building skills, sometimes it means finding strategies that make certain tasks easier.

Sometimes it means accommodating our brains instead of constantly expecting ourselves to push harder.

And sometimes it means recognizing that we’re already carrying a lot and giving outselves permission to put something down.

That might look like asking for help, lowering an expectation, taking a break, or deciding that something really doesn’t need to happen today.

Not because we’ve given up.

Because our capacity matters, too.

And rest doesn’t have to be something we earn by checking enough boxes of productivity.

 

If you’ve ever ended a day feeling exhausted but convinced you didn’t do enough, I’d invite you to consider a couple of questions:

What invisible work did I do today that I haven’t been giving myself credit for? If I acknowledged how much effort I’m already putting in, what might I give myself permission to do differently?

You don’t have to turn these questions into another assignment. (Please don’t – you have enough of those.)

Just give them a little thought.

There’s a difference between having a day where you didn’t accomplish everything you wanted and having a day where you didn’t do anything.

And there’s a difference between being capable of doing something and having the energy to do it right now.

The world tends to notice the finished projects, the clean houses, the answered emails, and the checked-off boxes.

It doesn’t always notice the effort it took to get out the door, make a decision, manage your emotions, or simply keep going.

But that doesn’t make the effort any less real.

You’re probably doing more than you realize.

And even on the days when you just getting through the day takes everything you’ve got, you deserve compassion, support, and rest.

Not because you earned them.

Because your human.