Why Won’t My ADHD Child Do Important Things

Why Won’t My Kid Do Important Things?

If I had a nickel for every time a parent asked me, “Why won’t my kid do important things?” – I’d have a lot of nickels!

Does this sound like you? 

• I can’t get my child to wash their hair/brush their teeth/etc without a battle even when I explain why it’s important. 
• My teen won’t do their homework in advance no matter how much they know that they’d feel better in the end if they did.
• My child will not get ready to go on time even when they know we will be late.
• My kid remembers to do the things he WANTS to do, but can’t remember to do the one chore I asked him to do.

This can feel incredibly frustrating for parents who just want their child to do the thing!  Let’s chat about some of the reasons this happens so often with our ADHD children (and adults!).

Important Doesn’t Matter

In general, for neurotypical people motivate themselves to do things based on whether it is one of two things – interesting, or important.  They play a video game because it interests them, they pay the bills with little fuss because it’s important to pay the bills.  

For people with ADHD, important doesn’t matter.  That’s right – important doesn’t matter – until it becomes URGENT.  For people with ADHD – our motivators are interesting or urgent. 

This is not a concept that I came up with, I don’t remember where I heard it first (how ADHD!) but it seems to be helpful to some.

As outlined in the above chart:   If something is (to our brains):

• Very Interesting and urgent – it’s most likely that we’ll get it done.
• Very interesting but not urgent – it’s likely that we’ll do the thing.
• Urgent but not interesting – likely to get done but only once it becomes urgent. 
• Not urgent and not interesting – this is the least likely scenario in which a person with ADHD is going to get the thing done.

Here’s some practical examples: 

• Very Interesting and urgent – Your kids favorite video game tournament (interesting) has a deadline to sign up (urgent) .
• Very interesting but not urgent – Your 5 year old spends 45 minutes examining a bug (interesting) instead of cleaning their room. (definitely not urgent).
• Urgent but not interesting – Your 10 year old will not put her shoes on (not interesting) until she literally sees the bus coming for school (now it’s urgent).
• Not urgent and not interesting – typically any type of chore, among other things (not urgent and not interesting) 

This fourth one is when we parents and caregivers are likely to “make it urgent” by issuing threats, deadlines, etc.

Their Self Talk Skills Aren’t Developed

For neurotypical people, as they grow and develop, their executive skill functioning increases, and they develop things like “ways to make themselves do things that are boring but important” – before they become urgent.

One of these skills is the ability to self talk. For neurotypical people, as their brain develops, they learn how to, in essence, talk themselves into doing what needs to be done, despite interest.  They pay the bills because they need to be paid.

They do this so effortlessly by the time they are adults that they tell ADHD people, “just do the thing” or “just remind yourself how important it is.”

And then ADHD people feel like they are broken because no matter how hard they try – they just can’t make themselves do the thing, and if everyone else can – we must be broken, right?

Wrong. 

Here’s the thing. The energy it takes for a person with ADHD to DO the self talk and get the thing done is exponentially higher than our neurotypical peers. So while a neurotypical person who needs to make a phone call might do it right away to get it over with – it may take a person with ADHD a few days or longer to get the energy together to force themselves to do the thing that they perceive is uninteresting and usually not urgent.  

Other 

These are just two of the common reasons why we struggle to get our kids with ADHD (or ourselves!) to do something we know is important.

There are of course, other reasons.  Some of those might include sensory processing disorder or other sensory struggles, comorbid physical or mental health challenges, demand avoidance, or even – the way we ware communicating just isn’t working.  

Remember that the older a person with ADHD is, the more negative imput they have heard from the world and the more likely they are to experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which adds an additional possible reason for why your child isn’t getting things done.

Reach Out If You Need More Support

Reach out for help or support when you can. Whether it’s a therapist, a coach, school supports, parents who’ve been there, support groups, your family or friends – whomever can offer you support, resources, and love – tap into your support system whenever and where ever you can.  If you think you or your child (or both) may benefit from ADHD Coaching, please feel free to book a free discovery call with me today.

Book A Time To Talk Today

Next month I will bring you a blog with some tips and tricks for how to help when things are neither interesting nor urgent – make sure you are on my mailing list so you don’t miss that blog!

PS – Here’s a blog I wrote a while back with tips for dealing with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.