Future You Is Not a Different Person

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Future You Is Not a Different Person

 

Future You is not a completely different person.

I think sometimes we talk about Future Us like she’s got her whole life together.

She wakes up early, does meal prep, remembers important dates, stays hydrated, and somehow manages to respond to emails and empty her inbox.

Meanwhile, Current Us is eating a handful of lunchmeat over the kitchen sink trying to remember what we came into the kitchen for in the first place.

We often have an awful lot of faith in Future Us. And honestly, I love that for her. It’s nice to know somebody believes in her.

But, I also think we are being a little bit unfair to her.

Because Future You isn’t magically cured of executive function challenges. She doesn’t suddenly have an extra few hours in a day or unlimited energy or an entirely different nervous system.

She’s you. Later.

 

 

 

We Have an Awful Lot of Faith in Future Us

I see this all the time from ADHD people – including myself. 

Tomorrow I’ll make that call.

Monday I’ll start exercising.

Next week me will reorganize everything so I can find it all.

January me will create the perfect new planner and will use it consistently. 

(She won’t. She’s got seventy already.)

Somehow Future Us always seems more capable, more put together, than Current Us. Next week she’ll have more energy. Next month she’ll have more time. After the holidays she’ll have more motivation.

Poor Future Us. She’s carrying an awful lot of expectations.

I realized recently that I am sometimes a little mean to Future Me. I happily volunteer her for things I’m to tired to do today. I’ll give her sixteen things to remember and then feel disappointed in her when she turns out to be exactly who I was last week. 

In hindsight that seems terribly unfair.

If I want to care about Future Me, shouldn’t I stop expecting the impossible from her?

 

We Make Plans For Imaginary People

I spend a lot of time talking with people about accommodations and supports and building systems that actually work for their brains and their lives.

Over and over again we come back to the same thing  – we make plans for imaginary people.

Imaginary people who love to meal prep, answer emails promptly, and remember to take things out of the freeze to thaw before it’s time to start cooking it.

Imaginary people use planner for longer than two weeks and remember to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer before it starts to smell funky.

These imaginary humans can somehow do all the things we want to do – work, make dinner, mind kids, remember birthdays, take care of ourselves, and still remember where they put their keys.

(If you’ve met these imaginary people please let me know, I have questions.)

Real people have energy shifts.

Real people have limited capacity.

Real people forget things, get overwhelmed, and need support.

We keep expecting ourselves to become imaginary versions of ourselves instead of building lives that work for the very real human we already are.

Sometimes I wonder how much of our frustration with ourselves comes from the fact that we are trying to become people that don’t actually exist.

Not better versions of ourselves. Entirely different versions of ourselves. The productive version, the version that doesn’t need reminders or accomodations or rest. I know a lot of my depression and anxiety came from exactly this – constantly trying to change myself into someone else.

But what if the goal isn’t becoming that imaginary person? What if the goal is becoming more ourselves instead?

Because I don’t think we talk enough about how radical that actually is.

It means we stop waiting to deserve support. We stop waiting to deserve rest. We stop waiting for systems to be built that work for us.

We stop waiting to become someone else before we are allowed to love and care for the person we already are. 

 

 

 

Future You Deserves Better Than Impossible Expectations

This post isn’t an argument against planning for the future. It’s not an argument against attempting to better ourselves. Future planning is important.

In fact, I think accommodating Future You can be one of the kindest things you can do for yourself.

Here’s the thing – accommodating Future You and expecting Future You to become someone else are two very different things.

One sounds like, “I’m going to fill my water bottle tonight because tomorrow morning is hard for me.” The other sounds like, “Tomorrow I’ll wake up thirty minutes early and become a person who enjoys early mornings.”

One is compassion for Future You. The other is wishful thinking, and a heavy expectation.

What would happen if we stopped asking “what will Future Me finally be able to do?” and start asking, “What would make tomorrow a little easier for Future Me?”

Maybe that means putting gas in the car today because tomorrow’s version of you would appreciate not having to stop on the way to work because the gas light is on.

Maybe it’s washing a few dishes instead of all of them.

Maybe it’s saying no to something because Future You doesn’t actually need another obligation andy more the Current You. A

nd maybe it’s admitting that the thing you’ve been promising yourself you’ll become interested in someday just…isn’t for you.

(I’m sorry to everyone with an abandoned yoga mat and a language learning app they’ve opened twice. You are among friends here.)

I don’t think Future You needs perfection from you today. I think she’d settle for enough rest, hydration, nutrition, and movement – and less shame and unrealistic expectations.

 

Here’s a Real Chat Moment. I’ve spent enough time coaching neurospicy humans to know that the goal was never becoming someone else.

It’s becoming more yourself.

It’s learning what supports you need and not feeling the need to apologize for them.

It’s letting go of the “shoulds” and the fantasy version of yourself long enough to care for the real version.

And perhaps that’s true of Future You also.

Future You don’t need to become someone else. She’d like you to get more rest, ask for help, do things different – and most of all – I think she’d like you to stop making her carry all of the expectations you’ve been carrying for years.

Future You isn’t waiting for You to be someone else. She’s waiting for you to be a little gentler with both of you.

Because Future You is just Current You with another Tuesday under her belt.

And both versions are worthy, deserving, and belong here.