Unmasking Isn’t an All-or-Nothing Process

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Unmasking Isn’t An All-Or-Nothing Process

 

 

There’s a lot of conversation these days about masking – or more specifically, about unmasking.

And that’s a good thing. A very good thing.

Many ADHD and neurodivergent adults have spent years (or lifetimes) trying to hide the parts of themselves that other people found too loud, too messy, too emotional, too intense, too flaky, too something.

So, finally realizing Oh I don’t actually have to spend my entire life pretending to be someone I’m not can be incredibly freeing.

But somewhere along the way, I think we accidentally turned unmasking into another thing we are supposed to be good at.

Like one day you discover you’ve been masking, dramatically rip of the mask, toss it into the nearest dumpster and announce, THIS IS THE REAL ME NOW.

Except – that’s not usually how it works.

Unmasking isn’t a switch. It’s more like a dimmer.

You get to decide how much, when, where, and with whom?

 

 

You Don’t Have To Unmask All At Once

When you’ve spent years learning how to hide certain parts of yourself, you’re probably not going to undo all of that overnight. And you don’t have to.

You might start by letting yourself stim without immediately stopping when you notice you are doing it.

you stop forcing eye contact with someone you trust. Maybe you admit you are overwhelmed instead of automatically saying, “I’m fine.”

Maybe you let yourself use the accommodations, wear the headphones, take the break, ask for clarification, or do something in the slightly weird way that actually works for your brain.

Those things might sound small, but they are not.

Unmasking can happen one tiny choice at a time.

You don’t have to figure out your entire Authentic Neurodivergent Self by next Tuesday.

You can experiment.

 

 

Masking Can Be About Safety

Sometimes masking helps keep people safe.

Not every work place is accepting of neurodivergence. Not every family is supportive. Not every community is safe.

And being perceived as different can have very real consequences.

This isn’t unique to ADHD. Queer people, people of color, disabled people, and people with other marginalized identities may mask, code-switch, or carefully decide which parts of themselves are safe to reveal in certain spaces.

So I’m not going to tell you that the goal is to never mask or code-switch again.

The goal is having more choice.

There’s a difference between automatically hiding parts of yourself because you’ve learned that you have to – and recognizing I don’t feel safe enough to show this part of myself here, so I’m deciding not to.

You get to make that call.

And you don’t owe every person or every environment full access to you.

 

 

Unmasking Can Feel Really F%&king Weird

We don’t talk about this often, but unmasking can be uncomfortable. If you’ve been masking for a very long time, you might start wondering,

 

• Is this actually me?
• Do I really like this, or did I convince myself I do?
• Am I doing this because I want to or because it’s what someone expects from me?
• What if people don’t like me as much when I stop doing all this work to make them feel comfortable?

You might even feel like you are somehow performing unmasking.

That’s okay too.

When you’ve spent years monitoring yourself, adjusting yourself, and figuring out what version of you works best in different situations, it can take some time to figure out what actually feels natural to you.

You don’t need an immediate answer. You get to be curious. You get to try something and decide whether you like it or not. You get to unmask in one area and keep masking in another. You get to change your mind.

This isn’t a test.

Try Tiny Experiments Instead

Instead of asking yourself how to stop masking, try asking, “Where could I make things 5% easier on myself?

Maybe you could:

 

• Let yourself fidget during a meeting instead of forcing yourself to sit perfectly still.
• Tell a trusted person when you don’t understand something instead of pretending you do.
• Use a tool or accommodation you’ve avoided because you thought you shouldn’t need it.
• Stop apologizing for one harmless thing your brain naturally does.
• Spend time with someone who doesn’t require you to constantly monitor yourself.
• Notice when you are masking without immediately trying to change anything.

That last one counts.

Awareness can be part of unmasking too.

You don’t have to immediately fix, change, reveal, announce, or explain anything.

You can simply start noticing:

 

• Oh I do that because I”m trying to look less ADHD.
• I hide this when I’m around this group of people.
• I feel more relaxed when I’m around these people.
• I come home exhausted every time I’m in that space.

These observations give you information. And information gives you more choice.

 

You get to decide what unmasking looks like for you.

Unmasking doesn’t have to mean becoming completely unfiltered everywhere you go.

It doesn’t mean you have to disclose your diagnosis or that everyone gets access to every part of you.

And it definitely doesn’t mean you’ve failed at unmasking because you walked into a situation and decided Nope, not safe here.

Maybe you take of one tiny piece of the mask.

Maybe you take off several.

Maybe some days you put part of it back on.

Maybe there are people around whom you barely need it at all.

The point isn’t become perfectly unmasked.

It’s to have more places in your life where you don’t have to work quite so hard to be acceptable.

More moments where your shoulders can drop and you can breathe just a little easier.