Seven Things You Can Stop Feeling Guilty About Today

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Seven Things You Can Stop Feeling Guilty About Today

 

Real Chat: many of us with ADHD and other neurodivergent brains have accidentally become very good at feeling guilty.

 

• Forgot something? Guilt.
• Run late? Guilt.
• Need a break? Guilt.
• Saying “no” to something because we are overwhelmed? Guilt.
• Saying yes when we are overwhelmed and then burning out? You’ve guessed it. More Guilt. 

Many of us have spent so many years being told we were wrong, or “bad,” that we are used to blaming ourselves and feeling guilty.

Somwhere along the journey we often learned that the way our brains work and the things we need to support our brains – as character flaws.

And let me be clear – I am in no way suggesting that we never need to take responsibility for anything. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes our ADHD impacts others unintentionally. Sometimes we need to say we are sorry, repair something, or figure out a better way to handle something next time.

But responsibility does not need to equal beating ourselves up.

We carry far too much guilt and shame. Here are seven things we can stop feeling guilty about today. (Or try, anyway.)

 

 

 

Needing More Rest Than You Think You Should

There are probably a thousand different ways we manage to feel guilty for resting.

 

• I should be doing something productive.
• Everyone else works all day.
• I need to just put on my big girl panties.
• I’ll rest when I finish everything. (we never finish everything.)

Rest isn’t something you earn. You don’t gain rest token for certain levels of productivity. And you definitely don’t need to wait until your brain or body melts down before you are allowed to rest.

Being neurodivergent can take a ton of energy we don’t pay attention to. Masking, sensory overload, transitions, emotional regulation, losing time to time blindness, and making  7,000 tiny decisions all day long takes more energy for neurodivergent folks than it does for most neurotypical people.

Honestly just existing in a world not designed for our brains takes a ton of freaking energy.

Your need for rest in information about your current capacity. Not a character evaluation.

Don’t wait until your body files a formal complain to rest.

 

 

 

Doing Things The “Weird” Way Instead of The Usual Way

Let’s just agree that “because that’s how you’re supposed to do it” or “because that’s how everyone does it” are the LEAST useful reasons to keep doing something that just is not working.

If your clean clothes live in laundry baskets instead of being folded and put away? Cool. If you have three drinks going at once? Yay hydration! If you use body doubling to do your dishes? Great! Need to take the doors off cabinets so you can always see what’s there? Do it!

I have an alarm on my phone that says “take your meds” and another one an hour later that says, “did you actually take them?” – Because that second text almost always gets me to do it if I missed the first. It works for me.

There’s no Neurotypical Committee coming to inspect your home. (that’s a scary idea!)

The goal should never be to force yourself to use a system that works beautifully for someone else’s brain.

It’s to reduce friction points and make your life work better for your brain. Functional beats conventional for sure. 

 

 

Forgetting Things

This one can be difficult because forgetting things often impacts other humans. Forgetting an appointment, a birthday, the text you received two days ago, the thing you’re partner asked you to get on your way home, the email you 100% meant to answer…last month.

Yes, sometimes we need to take responsibility and an apology is appropriate. Sometimes we learn we need to try a different reminder system. Sometimes we have to make amends or repairs. And sometimes we get smacked with “ADHD Tax” in the way of missed appointment fees, late fees, etc.

BUT – forgetting something doesn’t mean you didn’t care about it, or the person involved. And it doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up because your brain feels broken.

Working memory is an executive function, which means your ADHD may impair it significantly. You can care deeply about something and still have it fall all the way out of your brain when something else is occupying it.

More than one thing can be true at a time. “I am sorry I forgot this, and want to do better next time.” And “I’m not a terrible person or a monster because I forgot.”

Shame does NOTHING to improve working memory. That’s just you trying to remember things while your brain is yelling at you. Super helpful. Not.

 

 

 

Saying “No” When You Don’t Have Capacity

Techinically, you probably could do the thing. You could squeeze it into your calendar. It’s a small request. You don’t have a conflict. So obviously you say yes.

But capacity isn’t just a math problem or solely a “time” problem. 

That small request might require multiple exeutive function skills. It may create anxiety or pressure. It might require time or energy that no one else sees. It might just require energy you don’t have today.

You are allowed to consider all of that.

“I have the abilitiy to do this” and “I have the capacity to do this” are entirely different things.

You don’t need to present a slide show proving you are suffiently busy before you can say no.

 

 

 

 

Not Living Up To Your “Potential”

Real Chat – this one has been extremely difficult for me. I had many teachers report that I was not living up to my potential.

Like me, if you grew up with ADHD, you might have heard some version of, “you have so much potential.” Usually followed by an invisible (or NOT invisible) BUT.

If only you applied yourself, or got organized, or stopped procrastinating.

Eventually, potential feels like an unattainable goal. But it’s not our job to squeeze every ounce of productivity or achievement out of ourselves.

You are allowed to choose a life based on what matters to you.

What’s sustainable for you.

What brings you connection, feels meaningful, or leaves room for joy.

 

Needing Help With Things That Other People Seem To Do Easily

We start comparing what we can do with what our peers can do in pre-school. 

Somewhere along the way needing extra support to do the things that others appear to have no challenges with.

Maybe you need body doubling to get starting. Maybe you need accommodations at work. Maybe your partner handles the bills while you handle something that hate doing.

None of that is cheating any more than wearing glasses is.

Support isn’t evidence that you have failed at adulting. Humans are independent creatures with different strengths, brains, abilities, capacities, challenges, and needs.

The question doesn’t have to be “why can’t I do this by myself?”

A better question is always “What would make this easier to do?”

 

Being Inconsistent

We are told over and over again that being consistent is the secret to….well, everything.

Build a routine. Make it a habit. Meal prep on Sundays. Use the perfect planner.

And honestly consistency CAN be helpful.

But then Wednesday happens.

You slept like crap, work was non-stop, your dog got sick, or you couldn’t get out of bed until noon.

Cue the guilt.

I never stick to anything. I knew I couldn’t do it.

And that often leads to giving up because if we cant’ do it perfectly why do it at all.

But capacity, attention, focus, motivation, and energy aren’t always consistent for neruodivergent brains (or any brains, really).

So maybe the goal isn’t performing the same routine the same way every day.

 

• Maybe it’s getting better at adjusting.
• Maybe it’s having a smaller version of the routine for low energy days.
• Maybe it’s getting better at restarting without turning the restart into evidence that you are a big failure.

You don’t have to be perfect at staing on track. You can get really good at giving yourself grace and finding your way back.

PS – it’s also why, if you have ever worked with me, you know that I always try to leave you with a toolbox – we love novelty!

 

One More Thing

There is useful guilt. Sometimes guilt tells us we’ve acted outside our values. We’ve hurt someone. We’ve made a mistake. There’s something we need to repair.

I’m not interested in getting rid of that.

I’m interested in the other kind.

The guilt that comes from having a case of the “shoulds.” The guilt that says you should do this or should have done that. That you should do it alone. That doing things differently or needing support means you are broken and have failed. That guilt that says you have to meet some mythical goal before you are allowed to feel good about yourself.

That kind of guilt isn’t helping you grow. You can take responsibility without punishing yourself.

And maybe – just maybe – you can apologize a little less often for having the brain that you have. You’ve got enough s&^t to carry around. You don’t need to carry all that guilt too.

Gentle Reflection: What are you going to stop apologizing for today?