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Why “Just Find Your People” Isn’t That Simple
Belonging, On Purpose
Here’s a real chat moment we need to talk about. “Just find your people.”
Sounds simple and is one of those phrases that people throw around like it’s the magic answer. As if all you need to do is find the right people and everything clicks into place. You will then feel seen and supported. There won’t be any more loneliness, awkwardness, or feeling like you are trying too hard.
And it’s kinda right. And has the right intentions.
For ADHD, neurodivergent, and/or queer humans definitely need the right people, we do need connection and spaces where we feel like we belong.
But if you are like me, you hear that phrase and sometimes still feel a little pang in your chest instead of relief or joy?
You are not doing it wrong.
The reality is finding “your people” isn’t just about showing up and magically clicking.
There’s so much more going on underneath that we don’t talk enough about. Let’s chat about it.
It Isn’t Just About Making Effort – It’s About Having Access
There’s this behind-the-words assumption laced into the phrase, “just find your people.” It sounds like, “If you haven’t found your people yet, it’s because you aren’t trying hard enough or looking in the wrong places or doing something wrong.”
But that ignores so many other pieces of finding community that are simple reality. It takes things that some people take for granted. Things like time, energy, access to spaces, physical ability, emotional capacity, or the ability to leave your bed that day. It doesn’t include things like money or transportation that may be barriers to finding your community and people.
And if you are an ADHD human, you are already likely dealing with challenges such as: varying levels of energy, executive function challenges, burnout cycles, overwhelm, task initiation, time blindness and more.
If you are also queer, disabled or holding other identity layers? Now you aren’t just trying to find people – you are looking for safe people.
That narrows the field a lot – so no, it’s not just about the effort.
It’s about effort, and capacity, and access, and surviving the day you are in.
Belonging Isn’t Always Safe
Belonging isn’t always safe. And that’s the part no one’s talking about. “Find your people” assumes that connection is inherently safe.
For many of us, it has never been safe. If you’ve ever:
- been completely misunderstood
- been “too much” or “too loud” or “too _______”
- masked so hard for so long you weren’t sure what was acutally youbeen in spaces where only parts of you
- were welcomingbeen hurt, judged or excluded because of who you are
Your nervous system remembers that.
Your body stores that.
So even when you feel like you desperately want connection, your brain might be like, “yeahhhhhh but at what risk?” We begin hesitating, second-guessing ourselves and our friends, and following our instincts to hold back a bit, or not go “all in.”
That’s not a failure or flaw on our part – it’s protection.
For some of us it’s now second-nature. Especially for ADHD and queer folks who have spent years and years adapting, hiding, shrinking, masking, code-switching or trying to fit into spaces that were not built for them.
Belonging isn’t only about finding your people. It’s about finding the places and the people where you do not have to hide parts of yourself to belong.
It’s Layers Of Identity – Not Just One
The fact is, we don’t have just one identity, which makes all of this harder.
You are not just an ADHDer, or queer, or even both.
You are also potentially a partner, a professional, a parent, a child, a co-worker, an employee, a boss….a human being with a full life, just trying to get through the day.
You may have additional layers of identity regarding race, age, socio-economic status, religion, heritage, and many other identities.
And you are all of the things that make you – YOU – all the time.
But different spaces may only fit a part or parts of you. You may find:
ADHD spaces that don’t feel super inclusiveQueer spaces that don’t quite understand neurodivergencework spaces where masking or code switching feel mandatoryparenting spaces that don’t get your child OR youthe list goes on and on.
And again, now you aren’t just looking for people you might like. You are asking yourself “what parts of me are safe here…and what parts aren’t?”
You may have to weigh whether or not you have the energy to explain yourself. Again.
That’s a looooot to navigate. It makes the idea of “just find your people” fall a little bit flat.
Sooo….What Does This Mean For You?
Let’s address the first thing – it means nothing is wrong with you. You aren’t doing it wrong.
If finding your people has felt hard, slow, messy, or inconsistent – that makes sense.
Next, maybe we soften the goal.
Instead of “Find your people,” what if we shift toward finding moments of connection, spaces that feel a little bit safer, or people you can be a little more with yourself with over time.
That might look like:
- Letting connection build slowly instead of expecting instand clicks
- Giving yourself permission to leave spaces that don’t feel good
- Noticing when you feel even a tiny bit more at east
- Allowing different people to meet different parts of you.
Because “your people” might not be one single perfect group.
Let me use myself as an example. There are times where I feel like I don’t have a lot of friends – but really – I have a lot of friends. They just aren’t all together most of the time. Clusters of friends from different eras of my life.
What drove this lesson home for me was throwing myself a birthday party – my 50th. I invited all those little cluster of friends and suddenly found myself standing in the middle of 40ish people who call were there for me. (and the drag queens).
Be open to the idea that “finding your people” might look different than you expect.
A Gentle Reminder…You are not too much, or complicated, or hard to connect with. You are navigating a world that isn’t always built with your brain, your identity, or your experience in mind.
That fact that you are still here, still trying, still reaching….that counts.
So if finding your people has ever felt discouraging, take a bit of pressure off.
Connection doesn’t have to be instant to be real.
Belonging doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.
And you don’t need to try to fit yourself into spaces that require you to disappear.
There are people out there who will meet you where you are, exactly as you are. Even if it looks different than expected, even if it comes together in pieces or clusters.
You are allowed to build belonging in a way that actually fits your life.
Invitation: Join my FREE Community of Belonging – Unfitting.
For people DONE trying to fit in.
Don’t Delay Joy
Kat Sweeney, MCLC, ACC